How Do I Bring My Husband On Board?

Hi Chip!

Here is my situation. I have the wonderful opportunity to adopt 2 siblings, both boys. I have one of my own who is 8. My husband and I have tried for years to have more, we tried everything medically possible with no results. Now we have an opportunity to adopt these siblings, but my husband is not on board.

My question is, how does one deal with this type of situation when you want to follow your hearts desire by having more children through adoption, but your other half is not on board. I feel like I have to give up my desires now. I will have this desire to have more children forever!! It is making me angry that I am giving in to his desires of not having more children so that I can fulfill his desire and deny me my desire. I feel like I have no say and my heart is breaking!!

I’d like to start this conversation with a little background on the nature of relationships. This topic brings forth a bit of a paradox because on one had we are told that we create our reality—all of it—and on the other hand most gurus adopt the lexicon of Abraham and say we co-create our reality. Both of which are true. But the term “co-create” is misleading if we look at it from a physically-focused perspective. It implies that there is a physical reality outside the one you create that you share with other people.

But co-creation happens on a vibrational level and the physical reality you create is all you. For this reason, I prefer the term blending reality as used by my non-physical friend Paul.

For purposes of demonstration let’s assume that the blue sphere represents you and the purple sphere represents your husband.

You each have had experiences and learned different things so you see the worlds differently. Because your experiences have colored your world blue, you see the world through your blue filter. It is simply impossible to see anything your husband sees because his world is filtered purple. Likewise ,he can’t see the blue world you see because he can only see purple.

Now there is an intersection where your vibrations are similar and this is how you relate to him. But you don’t see him, you see a version of him that you have created– a blue version of him. Your relationship is the relationship between your idea of you with your version of him.

You do this with everything and everybody. This is why people like to point out that when you see something you don’t like in someone else, you are seeing a reflection of you.

And you use this reflective properties to your advantage all the time. When you are feeling conflicted, you will align with people who will demonstrate your conflicting thoughts so that you can choose something different. You might see an unhappy angry person and decide that you don’t want to be angry and unhappy. In this way, you can make a decision without having to dive into the angry and unhappy thoughts you have been holding.

Of course, most of the people you hang with reflect your dominant vibration. People like your husband and son reflect the parts of you that you like to express the most. However, conflict can still occur, as reflected in your issue of adoption.

I brought up all of this to point out that the conflict you are feeling over the adoption is all you. You are using your husband to pull forth the conflicting thoughts you are having about the adoption of these two boys. If you were not conflicted, you would line up with the version of your husband that is on board with bringing these two new boys into your family.

So what do you do with this?

Contrast like this is always working for you to bring you the entirety of what you are wanting. It helps you refine and define what it is you really want. It does this by exposing the thoughts you are thinking that are not in alignment with the having of what you are wanting. It shows you the cultural templates you are bucking, the fears you have, and the attitudes and beliefs that will cause you grief.

You bring this contrast to the surface either through direct experience, or through the words and actions of others. Often when people feel so strongly about what they want that they blind themselves to the contrasting thoughts that are standing in their own way, they will call forth other people to get in their face to make them confront the contrast. This is not to say that your husband is right, rather it is a call to pay attention to the thoughts you are holding.

  • Listen to his words. What is he telling you directly?
  • Listen to his concerns? What feelings is he evoking?
  • Feel the vibration of where he is coming from.

Some of your concerns might be:

  • It would be a sudden financial burden.
  • They might turn out to be little hellions or delinquents.
  • They might turn your son into a delinquent.
  • Your son might get jealous.
  • The 3 boys might not get along and the fights would be 2 against one.
  • You might feel shame about not being able to conceive naturally.

Your concerns may turn out to be about adopting in general or they may turn out to be something you sense in the vibration of these particular boys.

Take each of the concerns and allow the emotions you are feeling to percolate. What are the thoughts that are coming to light? Does it feel better or worse to think these thoughts. If they feel better or like relief, these are ones you want to stay with for now. If they feel worse, look for the thought that feels better.

Do this with each concern that arises. As you do, you will notice that you are refining and redefining what it is that you want out of expanding your family. Notice how you want to feel and go with that feeling for a while.

Now you have a better perspective on this situation, and it was all because you were able to call forth your husband to express your objections. Whether or not you decide to move forward with these two boys, you will have a clearer vision and intention of what you want to experience.

If you decide not to adopt these boys, remember you are in the middle of the story. You will have other opportunities to adopt if that is what you want. Or you can find peace if you have changed your mind.

Please scroll down to comment or ask a clarifying question.


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(c)2014 Chip Engelmann

9 thoughts on “How Do I Bring My Husband On Board?

  1. Julie Bernstein Engelmann

    What comes to mind for me is that–once you are all-on-board within yourself and at peace, knowing that you will have the fulfilling family life that you desire, one way or another–you will wake up one morning and find that your husband has changed his mind.

      1. Priscilla

        Julie, that might happen, but it might not. If she becomes focused on having such an outcome (husband changing his mind), it might distract her from herself. Of course all that matters is how she feels, not what actually happens. Getting what she wants is not the source of her happiness, as I know you know. 😉 And I’m not saying you were saying this, just wanting to clarify for all reading this.

  2. Barb Williams

    My experience has shown that you need to get a clear understanding of why your husband is hesitant with as little emotion as you can. This is a very emotional situation and we sometimes forget to use logic. You both have had a common desire to have more children. Set up a non-threatening environment and tell your partner you truly want to understand why he is hesitant. Listen and and don’t argue. Those are his feelings, right or wrong. Once you two have a common understanding of what his concerns are, then ask him what you two can do to overcome his concerns. Giving him respect for his feelings and working together for a joint decision will make things work. My friends could not have children and adopted Russian brothers. What a lovely family.

    With luck, just listening to what your husband is feeling and letting him know that his feelings understandable with close that gap. Good luck!

    1. Priscilla

      Barb, I don’t know if you knew, but I’m trained as a social worker and psychotherapist. And I practiced as a family therapist before teaching it. What you offer is consistent with traditional psychotherapy approaches. I like what Chip offers here as quite alternative to standard approaches, though going with what has worked for you is excellent. I find what Chip is suggesting, reflecting that all relationships are really just relationships with ourselves as groundbreaking and for me, true. It totally shifts us from an inner/outer, duality perspective to one of recognizing the Oneness that is us. But while we are in human form, we can have a blast experiencing all of these aspects of ourselves as reflected in others. When I remember it, I find this perspective especially useful with anyone that I’m having a thorny relationship with. 🙂 <3

      1. Chip Post author

        “When I remember it…” LOL

        That’s kinda the trick for most of these type practices–and my biggest nemesis.


  3. Priscilla

    That was a really excellent blog, Chip. I liked how you nicely brought it around to how this was really about the woman’s own resistance and not her husband’s – that he is helping her (not likely consciously), but via the Universe – to refine and clarify what she really wants. The list was useful too, to help identify what her concerns might be. Worth keeping and rereading.

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