If you’ve been following this blog you might notice that I am feeling my way around a bit to get my bearings. Last night I decided that I would remove the words “Easy-peasy” from my blog header. Law of Attraction may be a lot of things, but easy-peasy is not my experience. It sounds good to in a marketing sense, but it dishonors those of you who have had chosen a rough life so that you could become conscious creators.
To be fair to myself, I felt like I had “arrived.” Things were going my way on all fronts—albeit with a glitch here and there. Contrast is to be expected. I had made friends with contrast and had developed my own system of allowing the emotions to flow through me so the contrasting thoughts evolve away.
However, last week I encountered a problem. It felt better to sell my old hobby stuff: fishing boat, weight equipment, completion cowboy guns, and model railroad stuff. I have not done any of those hobbies for years, except the weight lifting, and If I don’t have to move that stuff and find space for them in a new home, it will be a lot easier. Besides money from the sales would fund my move if I so chose.
But I found that it was an incredibility difficult task to start. I encountered a wall of resistance that was out of proportion to the task. I had images of my mother making me clean my room, where it would take all day, with every toy put away taking an incredible amount of will power to accomplish. The feeling I should do the task brought up these feelings.
I knew that guilt was associated with the basement task, as other projects I had this year had the same tenor. I noticed then that I felt guilty if I didn’t do the project, and guilty while I was doing it for fear I was not doing it well enough. It was a lose-lose situation.
My non-physical mentor, Paul, suggested that I go into the basement, stand in the center, and then just feel around and do whatever task felt better. I couldn’t even go into the basement. I found things to do that felt like relief and conveniently kept me out of the basement. That was five days ago.
Three days ago, having avoided the dungeon for two days, I was in the netherworld between resting and sleep when the contrast became clear. Because I had been emotionally abandoned as a kid, I felt I had to do anything I could so my mother would feel better, and I lived in perpetual guilt that I was not doing enough. In her passive aggressive way, she would use guilt to manipulate me. This guilt-trip threw salt on my already guilt-ridden wounds and I got angry. This in turn made me feel guilty for being angry at my mom and the emotions spiraled out of control until I was paralyzed.
All of this was subsurface. What I experienced was just the paralysis. So, with this revelation, I was able to use my contrast technique and most of the stuff evolved away.
But I still stayed away from the basement. Yesterday, after 4 days of avoiding the dungeon, in a similar state of semi-sleep, I found that there were dozens of emotions, unrelated to each other bound up like a collection of yarn scraps clamoring to be released. I literally thought, “Calm down. I’ll get to all of you.” And one-by-one I cleared them. It took more than two hours never spending more than a minute or two on a single one.
Today, I went into the basement and there was no emotional charge. I took the words “Easy-peasy” off my header. There was nothing easy about any this.
I’ve reinstated the Ask Chip page. I invite you to take advantage of the opportunity to ask a tough question, especially if you are in a bad-feeling place. I’ll keep your identity hidden if I answer your question in my blog.
(c)2013 Chip Engelmann