Monthly Archives: June 2014

Making Friends with Life as a Single-ton

 I’ve been single for a REALLY LONG TIME. I’m only 24, but haven’t been in a serious relationship since high school. That was a long-term relationship that ended in an extremely painful breakup. That heartbreak, plus a few college flings that ended painfully for me have resulted in my ongoing single-ness now as a (young) adult.

I would love to use the law of attraction to find my perfect match. I’ve been trying to figure out how to drop all of my resistance and really make friends with life as a single-ton. I’d really and truly have to be completely content with everything as it is, and not just because I want things to change. This, for me, is much easier said than done. I [have] several friends who are in serious relationships. I have family members around the same age as I am that have significant others. Then there’s me with no one. And of course the people who pry and say, “how do you not have a boyfriend yet?!” I mean, does it mean there’s something horribly wrong with me?! Of course I know it doesn’t, but there is always some tension and insecurity. I’m also very gun-shy and have no interest in casual dating. I enjoy an active social life hanging out with a great group of friends, (no single guys though), but coming home to my quiet apartment after work some days feels like more relief than attempting to set up actual dates. (Whether online or otherwise).

I’ve learned that what I really want is to feel good. To feel secure and not worry about “why am I still single”. So as an “enlightened” person, does that mean I can’t wish for the boyfriend anymore? But I still really want him!

My question is, how can I drop this resistance and find some real relief? (And then perhaps dream man?) I feel like I search and search for my “limiting beliefs” and then it seems like a never-ending cycle of searching, being “problem-focused” instead of “solution-focused” (As Esther would say) and nothing ever feels any better.

Any insight you have would be great.

What if there was no problem to be solved? What if everything was in order and working perfectly? Just suppose for a second that the contrast you are now experiencing is working with you to bring you exactly what it is that you want. Your view of relationships is the narrow focus of the relationships you’ve had, who according to you, ended badly. So you are as you say ‘gun-shy.’

But you are doing everything right. Every relationship is relationship between you and yourself and you are enjoying your relationship with you. You can tell by how it feels like relief to just be by yourself. Forcing yourself out there is only real resistance you are describing.

Oh sure there are those voices, coming from you or concerned parties, who say you should be in a relationship, but you know those voices are are not true because of the way you feel when they are speaking. You don’t need to be in a relationship now, you need to develop your relationship with yourself so that you are the person who can be in the type of relationship you want.

And you are right on track with this. Just continue to take it easy. It will be very evident when it is time for you to act. It will seem like the most natural thing in the world.

If you ever think you are off track with this, take a second to tune into your intuition. It it feels worse to think you are off track, then you are probably right on course.

You really do have this. Just let it go the way it is going.

Please scroll down to comment or ask a clarifying question.


If you have been wondering where all the posts have been, my excuse is that I have been focusing my attention on selling my house in Pennsylvania and moving to Arizona. The first part of this has happened and we have found a house in Arizona to move to. Now it’s just a matter of closing the deal, packing our stuff, and driving out to the West. If you ask a question, I’ll still find time to answer–that is if I’m not driving.


(c)2014 Chip Engelmann