I met a great guy about 6 months ago and we’ve become friends. We work together and hang out in a group setting every weekend. I really like him and would love to be with him, and there are signs that he likes me too (including a mutual friend of ours telling me she can tell he likes me). The problem is, I don’t know for sure if he likes me or not. He is kind of a shy guy, and I keep hearing that if I want to be with him, I’ll have to make the first move. But I’m not willing to do this, because I’m convinced that he may say no and I will be crushed. I flip-flop between “going for it” by putting in effort to text him and talk to him to “show my interest” and throwing in the towel by attempting to forget about him and move on. Ironically, I seem to get his attention the most when I’m not trying so hard to show him that I like him.
I’m scared that if I don’t take action in the form of spilling my guts to him about my feelings, that I may not get the chance to be with him. Recently, another girl in our friend group has been pursuing him relentlessly, and they have gotten very close. I asked him if they were together, and he said she’s just a good friend. But I’m afraid he may end up with her over me since she’s willing to put herself out there while I’m too scared.
I’m not quite sure what to do. I feel the best when I’m not worrying about it and kind of doing my own thing, but at the same time this almost feels like I’ve resigned myself to not being with him out of fear.
Here is the short answer right here.
I feel the best when I’m not worrying about it and kind of doing my own thing
This is when you are in alignment with having what you are actually wanting. The rest is conflicting thoughts that are not in alignment with who you are. There is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing you have to fix. There is no problem to solve. You simply have an idea of how you want to live and when you decide what you want, thoughts that you already hold that stand in your way present themselves so you can choose what you want instead.
If you just go about the business of enjoying your experience, there may come a time when you are inspired to take some action whether it be inviting him to join you on a walk, or simply leaving one of your social gatherings that has become uncomfortable. If no inspired action arises at any given time, then it is not the right time to take action. Think of it like this. You don’t get on the subway until it has come to a full stop at the station and the doors have opened. You will know when it is time to take action because it will seem like the natural and easy thing to do.
You are right here right now in the place you want to be. You have created this situation because you know what it is you want. You know that you have clusters of thoughts that you don’t like and you have created this situation so that you can put them right in front of your face. You did this to give yourself the opportunity to decide that you don’t want to live your life the way you have been. Forcing yourself to do or not do some course of action won’t have the long-term result you are intending.
You have a fear of rejection. You have been taught that the way you deal with fear is to man-up and just do it. This is a social template you have grown up with. But you created everything about your physical experience including your version of the guy you like. Since you created this guy, the only person who can reject you is you.
Let this settle in for a minute.
This fear of rejection permeates your life doesn’t it? It effects your social relationships, your business relationships, even the simple things like whether you have a glass of wine with dinner.
Again there is nothing wrong with you. You are just employing a strategy that you used a long time ago because at that time, it felt like relief to do so. It fit the circumstances then, but now you have evolved in your thinking and that strategy no longer works. It is simply time to take notice and make a new decision. And yes, there will be some some fear, but it will be the fear of change, not the fear of rejection. You will notice that the fear of change feels like relief when you compare it to the fear of rejection.
It’s okay that you feel exactly the way you do. Your feelings are simply there to point you to these clusters of thoughts that conflict with what you want. Let yourself feel them. Relax and let them show themselves to you along with the thoughts you hold. They are just thoughts. Let it be okay that you once thought that way and let them evolve away from you.
If you can’t be okay with these thoughts, then let it be okay that you are not okay with them. Just find a way to soften them so they are not as important. It could be that these thoughts are so ingrained that they stay with you your entire life, but that is okay too. If you can be okay that you think that way, they become less important every time they arise until they have no real effect on anything. You become like, “Oh, there’s those thoughts again. How interesting. Can you pass the potatoes?”
Now back to the guy. Enjoy your time with him and let the relationship evolve. You will either be with him the way you want, or a relationship that is more in alignment with who you are will present itself. You simply cannot fail. Relax. Things are getting better and better and better.
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(c)2015 Chip Engelmann